He's looking at Jim, so he saw the twitch of something in him, but he doesn't ask. As far as he's concerned, Jim can deal with his own trouble as quickly or as slowly as he wants. But since Jim asked, he'd be happy to answer... and if any of it rang true somewhere in Jim, so be it.
"When I was little, I was afraid of my parents abandoning me. I'd break something and I could see it in their faces that they were mad but the told me it was okay, that they weren't mad. But I could hear their heartbeats. I could hear it when they whispered in their room about how I was going to get found out, how the government would come, how maybe they were too old to take in a child."
He turns to Jim and waves it off a little.
"It's the kind of thing that parents say; it's not easy and there's always doubts. I know that now. But most parents can hide things like that from their kids."
Clark folds his hands in his lap.
"When I got older, I was afraid I'd break something important, something expensive. A little older than that and I was terrified I'd hurt someone. I wasn't..." he breathes in "the kids who picked on me, they couldn't hurt me, but it still burned that I had to put up with it. That I could knock every one of them on their backsides..."
He shakes his head.
"Some of that went away when we had an accident on the bus one day. I got a taste of what it was like to have people ask how I could have done that, what made me different, insisting they knew the truth. And that, that was when I started being afraid of being found out. What they could do to me, to my mom, my dad. And eventually, my dad told me about where I'd come from."
He doesn't say anything for a moment, pulling his feet back under him to stand up. He doesn't pace, but he walks over to the table and sits across from Jim.
"Then it was just the fear of the unknown. What was I? How was I supposed to be? Was I really a monster hiding in this teenager's skin? Was I just trained to be human? Why did they send me there? What was I supposed to be? And what did it mean to me since it seemed like I was just living my life, going along my way. Was I failing to live up to a destiny? Was I going to live up to it no matter what I wanted?"
He turns to give Jim an uneven, faint but ultimately hopeful smile.
no subject
"When I was little, I was afraid of my parents abandoning me. I'd break something and I could see it in their faces that they were mad but the told me it was okay, that they weren't mad. But I could hear their heartbeats. I could hear it when they whispered in their room about how I was going to get found out, how the government would come, how maybe they were too old to take in a child."
He turns to Jim and waves it off a little.
"It's the kind of thing that parents say; it's not easy and there's always doubts. I know that now. But most parents can hide things like that from their kids."
Clark folds his hands in his lap.
"When I got older, I was afraid I'd break something important, something expensive. A little older than that and I was terrified I'd hurt someone. I wasn't..." he breathes in "the kids who picked on me, they couldn't hurt me, but it still burned that I had to put up with it. That I could knock every one of them on their backsides..."
He shakes his head.
"Some of that went away when we had an accident on the bus one day. I got a taste of what it was like to have people ask how I could have done that, what made me different, insisting they knew the truth. And that, that was when I started being afraid of being found out. What they could do to me, to my mom, my dad. And eventually, my dad told me about where I'd come from."
He doesn't say anything for a moment, pulling his feet back under him to stand up. He doesn't pace, but he walks over to the table and sits across from Jim.
"Then it was just the fear of the unknown. What was I? How was I supposed to be? Was I really a monster hiding in this teenager's skin? Was I just trained to be human? Why did they send me there? What was I supposed to be? And what did it mean to me since it seemed like I was just living my life, going along my way. Was I failing to live up to a destiny? Was I going to live up to it no matter what I wanted?"
He turns to give Jim an uneven, faint but ultimately hopeful smile.
"That's the one I'm working on, mostly."